change?

Looking back a year, I've changed so much.

First it was finishing my Jr year and moving on Camp Luz. Here I re-discovered my faith and God. Devotions everyday, fellowship, loving campers, deep conversations that stirred my theology, and learning how to be me. Everything was amazing, and I loved where I was in life.

Then I headed back from camp and began my senior year of school. That was rough, I've had senioritus since late august, and it has been getting worse and worse since late October. Yeah, honors English last semester taught me a nice work ethic and all that, but this semester is so worthless. I do not need any of the classes I am taking to graduate, if i would have know back at Christmas how much I was going to cringe this semester I probably would have graduated early. I do my best to focus on the tops, you know the amazing Musical, My Favorite Year, and track (the best decisions I've made all year). My view of life has changed I don't really care about much at all. It is not that I am losing faith or doubting God; in fact, he and I have been quite imitate for the past year, it is amazing.

Doc, a good friend of mine who keeps tabs on me just as I keep tabs on her, told me recently that I've changed a lot. It really didn't sink into me then, but now that I look back at who I used to be I guess I have. Wednesday on the way to swing dance lessons Schafer brought up the fact the he and Doc had been talking about me earlier that day and I guess I've changed enough that it is worrying them. My bad, sorry guys, I don't mean to worry you.

I've gone through a lot this school year, stuff doesn't get to me the way it did. I also have a kind of "bring it on" view of life.

This spring too many people around me have passed away, and I learned today that yet another car accident happened around here taking the life of another person I know, he graduated in '05. I quit going to my school's FCA meetings Thursday mornings because it was so spiritually dead and it seemed that nobody cared or wanted to change. Psych class is so frustrating; I really enjoy the stuff I'm learning; however, some things have happened which make it difficult for me to respect the teacher and being in his classroom for 90minutes a day is not a fun way to start out everyday.

I don't want to say farewell to dance

Well, I could be working on my psych or Spanish project, and probably should be, but I don't want to sooooo, that can all wait until later. I am going to enjoy myself for a little bit. : D For the books senioritis is getting the best of me. I am quite looking forward to my last day of school which is now 18 days away. Graduation follows on May 25, yeay!

Yesterday we had a track meet at Patrick Henery against both PH and Liberty Center. The girls took first (boo-ya)! Personally I did pretty well. I took 4th in my open 100 heat (which really isn't much because it was the slower heat) but I did run faster, 15.3, which made me happy, because at the last meet I got my worst 100 time, 16.1 ...boo! Yesterday was also my first time running the open 400 (I've been signed up to run it, but I have had to leave the meets early for various, yet important reasons). I took 1st place in my heat with a time of 74! That made me quite happy, I had only ran 1 400 in a race setting, and that was at a practice a couple of weeks ago, so I did well. Pole Vaulting is fun, but I have not taken it to a meet yet. None of us are ready to compete except Devin who pole vaulted at his old school several years back. He has helped us out a bunch, especially since this is Evergreen's first year pole vaulting and the coaches are newbies too. I also have some glitches that I need to fix, but none of us are quite sure what I am doing wrong. Oh well, it's still fun.

This Friday and Saturday Jessica and I are dancing at Waldren High School in our last dance recital ever. I love to dance and have done acrobatics for the past 14 years of my life, so I have mixed feelings about this recital. Performing on the stage is thrilling and great fun, but once Saturday's show is over who knows when I will dance on a stage again. I am hoping to find a studio in Findley or Lima; however, that is not quite as simple as it sounds. Many studios only have little kid classes, and I am not to hip on the idea of starting ballet over at square one. Not only is my ballet and acrobatics over, but my church dance is done meeting for the year. The other 2 senior girls and I (as well as 2 senior guys who were game to join us dancers) are going to dance May 19 for senior commissioning to the song Pure Flow by SuperChick. I am not completely finished dancing yet; in fact, tonight a swing dance class started at the FCHC rehab center in Wauseon. My buddy Josh Schafer and I have been wanting to go swing dancing since 10th grade and have finally found a place that fits our schedules and wallets! It'll be fun, Josh is like a brother to me and who knows when we will be able to hang out again.

rock music

I finished reading Body Piercing Saved My Life: Inside the Phenomenon of Christian Rock by Andrew Beaujon a few weeks back, yet I haven’t had a chance to write down just a smidgen of my ponderings. The man has some good points about how mediocrity is accepted in the Christian music industry, still he does point out that is has come a long way from its beginnings. In the midst of writing about the countless awful bands he saw and listened too, a few good bands he came across, and numerous interviews he had with bands, labels, and other big wigs, Beaujon opened my eyes to quite a bit. For instance a few years back I read a short note from the editor of CCM in which he was responding to readers questions on why Swtichfoot had not been placed on the cover yet for their new CD. He wrote that the band (or its manager, either way) had kindly asked not to be put on the cover; he then went on to state that he understood and respected their decision not to be put on the cover of a Christian magazine. Me, I didn’t get it, and at the time I remember losing a lot of respect for the band, viewing their decision as one made because they were too greedy or good for the front of a Christian magazine. After reading the book I now can look back and kick myself for being so narrow-minded. Switchfoot, as I am sure you all know, is played on mainstream and Christian markets. The band has great music and lyrics, if they would have agreed to have their picture on the front of the magazine sales on the mainstream market could plummet. People would view the band as a Christian Band solely playing music in order convert its audience, instead of viewing the group as Christians in a band. So what’s the problem? The band isn’t denouncing God and writing songs about pimps and hoes or cussing and hating, they are simply getting their “positive” lyrics and rock music to a larger audience. If you still don’t get it, I can talk to ya later; however, you are entitled to your own opinion.
Maybe to others it will seem that the book only made me more critical and opinionated towards Christian music, and more open to bands that ruffle feathers for not following a norm, but even if that is the case what is the problem? If the band is good, give them a chance. Don’t knock ‘em down for playing on certain venues or not doing something the way so many mediocre bands do, they probably are making a bigger impact on society rocking the way they do.

Spring Break

A week without school and I am uber excited. Basically anyone you ask will tell you how much I want out of school. I believe that what I have is worse than senoritas. In all honesty I barely made it through Thursday (my last day before spring break); in fact, I almost lost it during band, thankfully Eric was there to give me hug and help me trudge through the last few hours. Now it is spring break! Woohoo! Today Doc and I went thrift store shopping for the musical. I got some hideous stuff for the show, it is going to be great! Everybody should come! Despite all of the hours missed because of the weather, the show is doing great. We may be a little bit behind, but the show is running smoother than we expected it to be with all the missed time. Later this week my parents and I are headed for Iowa! That will be fun. It is always a good time in Iowa, and it will be good to see my Gugel family again. At Christmas we took some family pictures since almost everyone was there and we do not know if we will have another Christmas with everybody. The picture is amazing, it pretty much portrays what most of the time the family spends together looks like. My cousins razzing on each other and all of us teasing our parents --especially our dads-- about getting old and acting like grandpa. Oh, good times!

keep the pace

School is still the same-old; but outside of the academics life is moving. I truly fancy being on the go with exciting things to do; it makes me smile!

Track conditioning started two weeks ago and I am so glad I am running! It has to be one of the best decisions--if not the best decision-- I have made all school year! It took me no time at all to get in shape, and I never got sore! Earlier this week we took a trip to Cedar Point. Some of the other runners made the trip sound like it was going to be quite rough, but it was really not bad at all. Let me clarify; Cedar Point is a drill. We ride to the park (roughly a 10 min run) before Steel (coach) shouts out one of three "rides," butt-kickers, knees-to-chest, or majorette (jumping and touching toes) which we do until he says run (intense, each ride is at least 30 seconds, which may not sound like a lot, but it is). We run for 5 (or more) minutes before he shouts out the next "ride." We did all of the rides twice and then "rode" back to school. Soon I will have a chance to Pole Vault.

Musical rehearsals are picking up, well trying to, the weather has caused several cancellations resulting in us having 17.5 hours of musical practice canceled! The cast is going to have to really focus and listen to be ready curtains on April 4 and 5. It's crunch time, but we'll be able to bring everything together into a great show. After all it is 'My Favorite Year'. ;-)

remembering, macaroni-and-cheese

A year ago today I had macaroni-and-cheese for lunch.

Isn't it strange the things we remember looking back? Homemade macaroni-and-cheese a seemingly meaningless detail to remember especially a year later, but I remember a whole lot more starting at that hour (11am) than just what I ate.

Go back 5 days to Sunday. My mom and dad saw my grandpa and grandma at Arby's (it was Arby's Sunday 10% went to our youth group) and ate with them. My grandpa (Charlie) was not able to finish his sandwich, which if you knew him was a strange thing. As soon as we were finished eating I headed for Wauseon High School for my All County Band concert. After the concert I went to find my parents and grandparents in the auditorium; it was then that I was informed that grandma and grandpa were not there because grandma had taken grandpa to the hospital.

By Wednesday the doctors had finally decided that he had pneumonia. Jessica and I took sandwich's, grapes, and drinks to the hospital to eat supper with grandma and visit grandpa. I remember making sure I had my smile on when I left because grandpa always commented on my smile and demeanor. --We had this routine grandpa would always ask "How are you doing BrookE?" (he is one of the very few people I allow to call me BrookE), and I would respond "Good." To which grandpa would say "Good, good, you are always good BrookE," or something in that respect. --

Thursday the Doctors announced that they thought the worst was over.

Friday morning my uncle visited grandpa and just after he left my grandma went came into the room. "Did you see Ed in the hall?" he asked, to which my grandma replied that she had not, "You must have just missed him," he said. He took another drink of orange juice and laid down. From then on things got worse and he was gone by 11:30 that morning.

I was sitting at my normal lunch table in my normal spot --inside table in front of the doors to the outdoor senior eating area-- just about ready to bite into my reheated macaroni-and-cheese when the school Secretary, Mrs. Turner, came into the lunch room. I saw her and knew immediately that she was looking for me. She said, "your mother is signing you out." I knew what this meant, but how could it be? The last news I had received said that the worst was over and he was getting better. Scatterbrained and trying to keep composure I fumbled to pick up my dishes as Jeni and others at the table asked "what's wrong" I looked at Nicole and said "my grandpa." As they tried to reassure me I clumsy and in a daze held back tears and crossed the cafeteria, which seemed to have lengthened considerably, after being clear of half the student body--they would have had a hay-day seeing me hysterical leaving the cafeteria, I can only imagine the rumors that would have begun, but I digress-- (and seeing my mom outside of the office) I could hold back no longer.

The "normal" immediate response to grief hit I remember crying out in anguish to my mom "NO! NO, NO, NO. . . they said he was doing better. . .it's not fair." She never had to tell me what happened. I knew.

On the 1/2 ride to the hospital mom told me what had happened in detail. He didn't suffer long (thank God), and grandma later told me that he did not have the dreaded 'death rattle' the often accompanies pneumonia (like her second husband, Glen, had when he passed on, she said).

He was still in the room. Grandma wished me to go and say my goodbye. I gave him one more hug and kiss on the cheek whispered by I love you and goodbye and took my place beside my grandma. I could tell it meant a lot to her to see me do this, but I never once saw her cry. So strong in front of all of us who'd gathered there.

The viewing and funeral passed, all eight of my grandma's kids were there with their spouses. We told grandma about our previous plans to have a surprise 80th birthday party for her, as a surprise was the last thing needed.

Grandma wanted the grandchildren to take a flower from the floral arrangement on top of his casket. A red rose, there was no question. He made that flower special to me. Numerous occasions come to mind when I think of red-roses at grandma's house. I remember one time arriving at grandma's house with her and seeing a note on the inside door letting her know her that he had purchased roses for her and they were in the basement fridge. The smile on her face; she knew he loved her.

How do we keep going after experiencing a death? A year has passed since grandpa's passing and it has been over 9 years since my brother Shaun's death. How do we keep going? God carried us.

A year ago today I had homemade macaroni-and-cheese for lunch.

Baby X + websight

Set up: In psych we often have seminars over various topics with related readings. Our latest seminar was over a simulation of an experiment entitled "baby X." I searched the article title and found a websight with the reading and I would truly like to here your views. http://www.gendercentre.org.au/22article4.htm


The opening question:
How do you think it would be to be raised as a baby X?
A. Befuddling B. Rewarding C. Phenomenal

My response:
Since I HAD to choose one of the three I chose Befuddling. Nobody else seemed willing to open so I brought in my "extreme" view. Befuddling seemed to be the most negative and so that it the view I chose. My own words are more negative it would be crappy to be raised as baby X. I do understand that the researchers are trying to get away from societies unwritten laws that push girls towards dolls and boys towards trucks. But this is a little bit too much. If boys and girls acted the same (girls more like boys and boys more like girls) then where would the fun be? Everybody would act the same. Difference is a good thing in life; it is what makes girls girls, and boys boys. Difference is what makes me me and not somebody else. Girls think differently than boys, boys think differently than girls. God designed us differently. Girls have estrogen boys have testosterone. Not all girls are powder puffs and not all guys are the Hulk. In real life each person defies society’s rules in his or her own way. Everybody hold his or her place securely somewhere in-between he or she holds his or he own "shade of gray." God designed us differently it even says so in Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

This child was made fun of by its peers; it was not accepted by the boys or the girls. It went home crying and was comforted by his dad and cheered up by his mom. This can only happen for so long, the child's parents will not always be able to ease the child's pain. Sure the kindergarteners soon accepted X, yet the issue does not end their. Every time X meets a person or a group of people it has to face rejection. Where can the child go to the restroom in public places? Face the facts; it is a boy or a girl. If the child does not follow all of the "boy/girl" rules that is great, but let it belong. Let it have an identity.