I don't know what I am about to type. I really don't know what is going on inside me right now. I feel as if i am being torn apart, not physically though... I keep crying out as if i am in anguish, but that word seems like too much for me. My eyes are tear filled, I am not completely sure why. I want to run away from myself, not my life, my self, so i know that running away will do me no good.
I feel like I am starving my being. So i keep digging into God, crying out for him to fill this void of...loneliness? I have been reading my bible, praying, singing, dancing, crying, looking to God for the answer...but I am getting nothing. I can feel him holding me, and telling me it will be okay...but He is not filling in the missing piece. I have responded countless times with "God, I trust you. God, I know that you are in control." I repeat those words over and over again. I open my bible looking for words to comfort me, fill me in so to speak, but I keep hearing the same thing...silence. My bible reading is silent, I have prayed for God to reveal himself to me in his word; however, when I leave the table after reading...I can scarcely recall what i have just read. No passages jumping out at me, no "Aha" moments where God lets me know whats going on...just silence.
I am holding on to God so tight; I am to petrified to let go. The best way I can explain it is to try to explain this picture in my head. Picture this: complete and utter darkness, a rich, deep darkness in a room...no, there is no light in here. Me curled up on God's lap. What God sees I am not sure, but I know that he does not see the darkness that engulfs me...he can see something more...something bigger. So I cling to him tighter crying "God, I trust you." Somehow even though I feel panicked, I also feel completely calm like a still, glass, ocean, I feel peace. I don't get it...but I am also okay with that, because I understand that God does get it. He is in control. Me, ha, I am just confused.
I am waiting, patiently, waiting. God has me in his arms, he isn't letting go, and neither am I.
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3 comments:
I'm really sorry you are hurting so much. I really wish I could make life easier for you.
I've been thinking about this since you first posted. I wanted to be able to share some profundity with you, but I don't have anything profound to say. Do know that these feelings are not unknown to me. I have no big words of wisdom for you. But I love you, oodles and oodles, you know. God has something big he wants to teach you through this. Be patient. It is in the darkness that the light can be brightest.
Been on Gods lap. Just keep trusting him!!
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